This morning, I saw that my cousin shared the above meme on
Facebook, and I immediately agreed with it. But sometimes, I wake up in this very
philosophical mood and so I began pondering the thoughts in my head. Being a
software engineer, I could easily be considered part of the problem with
today's generation being hooked on technology. However, I myself never became
addicted to the gadgets I use so often. I love them, but if placed in the woods
without gadgets for a year, I would not miss them. I would miss some of the
convenience they provide, but I would not suffer any sort of withdrawal. So how can I be so different when I am immersed in the same technology? So here
are my thoughts:
I'm not so sure that we can claim today's
generation's addiction to technology is THEIR fault. I think we can place a lot of
blame on ourselves, the parents who used technology as babysitters for this
generation. It started when we gave them all those gadgets to occupy them so we could have
our precious "ME time". Perhaps, the problem started when we didn't
tell them to put the phone down at the table, or when we didn't make the phone "off
limits" on weekends and week nights while the family was together, or when we didn't limit the time on the computer because it kept them quiet. Perhaps it was when we always supplied
the newest video game to prevent a tantrum. Perhaps, if we actually did some
parenting, instead of indulging ourselves on our own selfish desires, the
current generation we are so fond of bashing, would have turned out a little
differently.
My observation has been that when a child gets
restless, a piece of technology gets shoved in their hands to make them be still.
Sort of like pacifiers are shoved in a baby’s mouth to stop their crying. The
difference is that we wean the baby of the habit of wanting the pacifier, but with technology, we increase its use as the child grows. We don’t want our child
sucking a pacifier at age 5, but we have no problem with them walking behind
us looking at the iPhone instead of where they are going. Did you ever lose a child in
a crowd because they were so engrossed in the technology you gave them that they didn’t keep
up with you? Did you have to tell your child to “hurry up” because they were distracted by what was in their hands? Did you hand them
a gadget to keep them busy on a car ride? When your child wants to play a video game,
do you ever tell them “no”? Or do you hand it to them to prevent the following
complaint and possible loud defiance? After all, what will other people think
of ME when MY child throws the tantrum that is inevitable?
All this thinking about the technology addiction
leads me back to another topic of our bashing of this generation we call “the Millennials”.
Why do they feel so “entitled”? Why can they not seem to deal with real life?
Why do they focus on their feelings getting hurt by “words”? Why do they need a “safe
space” where they are protected from speech they find offensive? I’ll tell you
why. BECAUSE WE TOLD THEM THEY WERE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!!
Did you tell them how proud you were when they
received an award for participating? Proud, even though they (or their team) sucked
at a sport, and they still got a trophy? Did you give them a present on their
sibling’s birthday, so they wouldn’t feel “left out”? Did you blame the teacher
for your child’s bad grade? Did you call the bully’s parents (or the school) instead
of talking with your child about how to deal with the bully themselves? Did you
ever do your child’s homework for them? Did you allow your child to stay up
late the night before an assignment was due more than twice? Did you run out to
Walmart in the middle of the night because your child procrastinated on getting
things done in a timely manner, or not letting you know they needed something
well in advance? Did you ever tell your child it’s OK if they aren’t the best,
as long as they tried hard? That they are winners as long as they tried? When was the last time your child suffered for a mistake, failure or bad decision they made?
Perhaps, instead of trying to spare their feelings,
it would be better to allow them to feel bad about their mistakes and failures,
and then help them learn to DEAL with it, instead of masking it with kind
words? "Oh, that is so cruel! I never want my child to feel bad about him/herself!" Well, I never wanted my children to feel bad either, but guess what, it’s going
to happen whether you try to prevent it or not! If we reward mediocre
performance, our kids will always be, wait for it… MEDIOCRE!!! We always wanted
our children to excel at everything they did, but they are NOT good at
everything. If you allow your child to suffer or feel bad for failing at something, there
are several possible outcomes. First, they may realize that they didn’t
actually like the activity anyway, so no loss. Second, they may learn that it’s
ok to lose or fail and that is part of life (become a good sport). Third, they may
learn to deal with future losses or failures without the need for a meltdown.
Lastly, they may try harder the next time to prevent their own bad feelings and
actually excel through hard work!
Personally, I hated to watch my kids suffer or get
their feelings hurt. But I also knew that if I guided them through those hurt
feelings, they would better handle REAL life when it came along. It might do us
well to remember that we are NOT raising children. We ARE raising future
adults.
My wife and I raised our children with tons of
interacting with human beings, not technology. They didn’t have cell phones
until well after the “fad” began. And even then, it was only for the purpose of
calling home because they attended specialty schools at a distance from home.
Video games were often played “as a family”. We had a fair share of board games
(no electricity needed). We played card games too. We talked and sang to the
radio on car rides. We did things AS a family. We listened to THEIR music, as
well as them listening to OURS. We watched movies TOGETHER. We also put OUR needs after THEIR needs. As an
extreme introvert, I need a ton of “alone time”. But, if I needed alone time, and
my kids needed supervision, guess what? my alone time came later. We allowed them to make their own decisions, BUT within certain guidelines. For example, you can choose your own clothes, BUT you cannot dress like a hooker. Or, on your birthday, you can choose whatever you want for dinner, but it must fall into the guidelines of a "proper" meal. Contrary to popular thought, it is actually OK to set limits on your kids.
On one occasion, my oldest daughter decided to test us out in a restaurant. She knew she was to sit in her seat and be respectful of the other folks around us. She was not allowed to run around the table because she was bored or if she finished first. But she chose to create a scene to get what she wanted, even BEFORE the food arrived. My wife promptly got up and hauled her out to the car. Not only did my daughter go hungry for that one meal, my wife sacrificed her own meal and went hungry, just to teach a valuable lesson. YES, we wasted some food. And YES, my wife suffered for my daughter's defiance. But, my other daughter looked at me as my oldest was exiting the restaurant and said, "I'm never going to do that!" Last week, almost 20 years after this incident, my youngest mentioned how she remembered this event and how it reminds her about what she learned that day. My oldest is now expecting her first child. She too remembers this incident and how HER child is going to learn to be respectful of others in the same situation.
We do not
claim to have been perfect parents. We made tons of mistakes, and I’m sure
my kids could tell you stories, but our #1 job was that of a parent, not that of individuals. Yes, I’m sure we missed out on doing things we may have wanted to
do because our kids took priority, but we believe that if you are going to bring
children into the world, you are also to take responsibility for that decision. Our children grew up into very responsible adults. We still see them make bad
decisions (or at least some we disagree with), but they also deal with the
consequences, good or bad, without asking me to step in to protect them. They
ask for advice, but never ask for us to “fix it” FOR them. They fix it on their
own.
We are so fond of bashing Millennials for their
attitudes, but we forget that WE are the parents of the Millennials who taught
them to be what they became.
Before I finish out, I want to add, that while
I see the same attitudes in many of the Millennials that we are always
complaining about, I must also point out that many of them, IN SPITE of the
upbringing we inflicted on them, have decided to go another way. They are
taking on the responsibilities we neglected to teach them. They are becoming entrepreneurs
and working hard for the futures we stole from them through our misguided
parenting. I have great hope for them as they find their own way through this
world. I for one, am willing to provide support for them as they learn what
real life is about. I suggest we stop complaining about them, and start working
to fix OUR mistakes that have lead them down this path. I recommend we stop “bashing”
them and start reaching out to them. We too, must feel the consequences of our
actions, the consequences of our parenting.
Follow the links below to a couple videos that set
me on this path of thinking about “The problem with Millennials”.
The first video is the “complaint”:
The second video, is the “response” to the “complaint”:
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