Gorilla is Killed when a Child Falls into its Habitat

The above meme was posted on Facebook, so I felt the need to write about this incident. There is so much hate and outrage going on right now.

Here is a link to the news story about what happened: 

http://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2016/05/28/police-child-taken-hospital-after-falling-into-gorilla-pen/85095094/

It is so easy to blame the parents for the death of this majestic animal (gorilla). I believe most of the hate is because an animal lost its life as the outcome. We are so distraught over it that we are looking for someone to blame. The mom is the easiest target so let’s direct our hate toward her. But before we do (I know, too late), let’s look a little deeper as to what is happening:

My questions are, “How did a 3 year old get into the gorilla’s habitat in the first place?” “What was the problem with the barrier that allowed such a thing to happen?” “Is the zoo not responsible for keeping the animals separated from human beings while the humans are on THEIR property?” “If a 3 year old can get through their barrier, how well was it actually designed?” “How much responsibility for this should be assigned to the mom?”

It would not surprise me to find that most of the people who are blaming the mom for letting her child wander off are the same people who fight for the parents who want their so-called “free range kids”.  Or the same people who would scoff at keeping their 3 year old on a “leash”, calling it inhumane. “How dare you put a leash on a child?” “How dare you charge parents with neglect for letting their kids play without constant supervision?” BUT, “That child should have your hand every single second you are in the zoo. You cannot blow your nose or let go for even a second to get something out of your pocket, or snap a picture, or anything else you are allowed to do at a zoo. Let me ask you this, “When you take a picture of anything, are you eyes ALSO on your child? Most people’s eyes work in tandem, so if one of your eyes is looking at something, your other eye is ALSO looking at the same thing. I know my kids never left my sight even for a moment. And I am the perfect parent because I am aware of my child’s exact location 100% of the time. My toddler has NEVER left my sight and NEVER gotten into something they shouldn’t have gotten into. My toddler KNOWS the dangers of walking off and therefore has NEVER done that. We are ALL perfect parents until that one incident when we’re not. I rejoice that none of the incidences my kids got into ever brought harm to them. We did have to call poison control on one occasion, we had a few runs to the emergency room, but we never got called “bad parents” because of it. Probably because it happened at home and not at the zoo, and because an animal never had to be put down.

I would call my wife and I extremely responsible parents. We were always aware of where the kids were when we went to stores, or the mall, or anywhere, because, you know, we leave our homes to live life. And with my first child, she NEVER got away from us when we were out. I never once doubted my skills as a parent because child #1 was the “perfect little angel”. We raised her that way. However, along came child #2. We would go to a department store, and I briefly let go of her hand to see what size a shirt is and BAM! She is no longer anywhere to be found. She thought it was funny to hide inside the clothes rack and not answer when we called. As it turned out, she was within 5 feet of our position, but we couldn’t find her. She did this several times, and each time she got a lecture (and at times punishment) about the dangers, but come on, she’s 3 years old. My oldest NEVER did these sorts of things and it made me so confident that I was the perfect parent. #2 made sure I knew there was no such thing. I never lost her at a zoo, but how many times do you go to a zoo as compared to a store?

For those who say, “When you go to a zoo, you're around wild animals, so you need to be extra cautious.” How many of you would go to a zoo if you knew there was a possibility that the wild animals could come into contact with you or your child? You would all be screaming about how irresponsible the zoo was! No one would visit there because of safety issues! When you go to a zoo, you assume that all the safety precautions are in place so that there is absolutely NO danger to the visitors. If all of you go onto a higher level of awareness at a zoo versus a park, then you are obviously a far better parent than I ever was. I remember watching cartoons as a kid where Bugs Bunny walked up to a lion’s cage (at a zoo or circus) and was able to put his hand inside and touch the lion. Would you visit that place? As a matter of fact, a child crawled into the cage in that or another episode. Do we assume that is not possible when we go on an outing? I’ve seen a situation where a woman scaled 2 safety fences to get a picture of a polar bear and was mauled. Now we have a case for calling someone stupid. Or another case of a drunk 35 year old scaling fences and being harmed. But if a 3 year old can get inside an enclosure, the fault is not necessarily with the parents.

Here’s another thing to consider. She was not there with just HER children. This was an outing with some additional kids. Did you know that when teachers take field trips, they do occasional “head counts” to make sure all are present? Why is that? Answer: Because kids of ALL ages tend to wander off occasionally. Is it the teacher’s fault if one turns up missing? Or is it the child who wandered off? Once you have more than one child to watch, your attention is now divided. It becomes impossible to keep track of every move they make. In this case, I think dad was along (why is no one blaming him?). So 2 children are easily watched, but add a third child, and even two adults cannot watch each one 100% of the time. So should we say that you are an irresponsible parent if you ever allow yourself to get into a situation where there are more children than adults? Ever have a sleepover for one of your kids? Do you know what they are doing 100% of the time? 

Has a child ever choked on a toy that was too small? How irresponsible, right? Just because one child is 10 and one is 3, you obviously don’t allow the 10 year old to have toys which could be a choking hazard for the 3 years old, right? And if you do, you make sure the 10 year old is in a habitat that the 3 year old can’t wander into, right? I can build ridicules scenarios all day long. NO ONE watches their child 24/7. This is a very unfortunate situation where an animal lost its life. You can be angry, you can be sad, you can feel however you feel. But to hate on a mom who probably already feels bad, does not help the situation.

Don’t get me wrong. There are terrible parents out there. I’ve seen plenty of them. My mom worked in a hospital and has seen tons of kids go through there for all sorts of accidents. Most happen when the parent isn’t watching. Does that make them bad parents? Not at all! Accidents happen. This one at the zoo just had very unusual circumstances. Personally, I have several scars. I received each one when my parents weren’t watching. My most prominent one was when I was in my bedroom with a brother or two, all safe and sound. I was told many times to not jump on my bed. Guess what? I jumped on my bed! When I fell, I hit my face against the headboard, right above my right eye. Apparently, lots of blood, and today, 52 years later (I was 4 at the time), I still have the scar from that night. Did that make my mom a bad parent? She warned us to not do that. She made punishment for the offense known to us in a public display when my brothers did it. But I did it anyway. Obviously it was my mom’s fault for not sitting in the bedroom with us instead of doing something else, because moms have nothing else to do.

I am not an advocate of watching your child 24/7. They need to explore the world, and yes, that will include some dangers and injuries and scars. We do our best to protect them from the “obvious” dangers, but if we actually believe we can protect them from everything, we are already showing signs of being a bad parent.  Why don’t you keep your kids in a bubble, and never leave the house? Because it isn’t realistic! Think about it, you are exposing your child to danger every time you leave the house. So stay in!

These are just some of the thoughts I’ve had on this subject. So rather than hating the mom because of her “bad parenting”, perhaps we need to examine our own parenting skills. It would be easy for me to say that if you have just one child, you’re not a real parent because you can focus your attention fully on that child. But if you have 2 or more, you will find out how hard it is to know what both are doing all the time. But I won’t. We all have moments when we fail, and even moments when we don’t fail but things still go horribly wrong. Yes, I am saddened by the need to kill this gorilla. But I cannot hate someone because of an accident that lead up to it. Perhaps she is a terrible parent, we don't really know, but one incident does not define how good or bad of a parent you might be. Otherwise, we are ALL bad parents, because we ALL have had failures.

I am including the following link to an open letter written to the mom. I thought it was extremely well written and expresses some real heartfelt compassion.

http://karacarrero.com/open-letter-mother-boy-fell-gorilla-enclosure/

The problem with Millennials - My thoughts

This morning, I saw that my cousin shared the above meme on Facebook, and I immediately agreed with it. But sometimes, I wake up in this very philosophical mood and so I began pondering the thoughts in my head. Being a software engineer, I could easily be considered part of the problem with today's generation being hooked on technology. However, I myself never became addicted to the gadgets I use so often. I love them, but if placed in the woods without gadgets for a year, I would not miss them. I would miss some of the convenience they provide, but I would not suffer any sort of withdrawal. So how can I be so different when I am immersed in the same technology? So here are my thoughts:

I'm not so sure that we can claim today's generation's addiction to technology is THEIR fault. I think we can place a lot of blame on ourselves, the parents who used technology as babysitters for this generation. It started when we gave them all those gadgets to occupy them so we could have our precious "ME time". Perhaps, the problem started when we didn't tell them to put the phone down at the table, or when we didn't make the phone "off limits" on weekends and week nights while the family was together, or when we didn't limit the time on the computer because it kept them quiet. Perhaps it was when we always supplied the newest video game to prevent a tantrum. Perhaps, if we actually did some parenting, instead of indulging ourselves on our own selfish desires, the current generation we are so fond of bashing, would have turned out a little differently.

My observation has been that when a child gets restless, a piece of technology gets shoved in their hands to make them be still. Sort of like pacifiers are shoved in a baby’s mouth to stop their crying. The difference is that we wean the baby of the habit of wanting the pacifier, but with technology, we increase its use as the child grows. We don’t want our child sucking a pacifier at age 5, but we have no problem with them walking behind us looking at the iPhone instead of where they are going. Did you ever lose a child in a crowd because they were so engrossed in the technology you gave them that they didn’t keep up with you? Did you have to tell your child to “hurry up” because they were distracted by what was in their hands? Did you hand them a gadget to keep them busy on a car ride? When your child wants to play a video game, do you ever tell them “no”? Or do you hand it to them to prevent the following complaint and possible loud defiance? After all, what will other people think of ME when MY child throws the tantrum that is inevitable?

All this thinking about the technology addiction leads me back to another topic of our bashing of this generation we call “the Millennials”. Why do they feel so “entitled”? Why can they not seem to deal with real life? Why do they focus on their feelings getting hurt by “words”? Why do they need a “safe space” where they are protected from speech they find offensive? I’ll tell you why. BECAUSE WE TOLD THEM THEY WERE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

Did you tell them how proud you were when they received an award for participating? Proud, even though they (or their team) sucked at a sport, and they still got a trophy? Did you give them a present on their sibling’s birthday, so they wouldn’t feel “left out”? Did you blame the teacher for your child’s bad grade? Did you call the bully’s parents (or the school) instead of talking with your child about how to deal with the bully themselves? Did you ever do your child’s homework for them? Did you allow your child to stay up late the night before an assignment was due more than twice? Did you run out to Walmart in the middle of the night because your child procrastinated on getting things done in a timely manner, or not letting you know they needed something well in advance? Did you ever tell your child it’s OK if they aren’t the best, as long as they tried hard? That they are winners as long as they tried? When was the last time your child suffered for a mistake, failure or bad decision they made?

Perhaps, instead of trying to spare their feelings, it would be better to allow them to feel bad about their mistakes and failures, and then help them learn to DEAL with it, instead of masking it with kind words? "Oh, that is so cruel! I never want my child to feel bad about him/herself!" Well, I never wanted my children to feel bad either, but guess what, it’s going to happen whether you try to prevent it or not! If we reward mediocre performance, our kids will always be, wait for it… MEDIOCRE!!! We always wanted our children to excel at everything they did, but they are NOT good at everything. If you allow your child to suffer or feel bad for failing at something, there are several possible outcomes. First, they may realize that they didn’t actually like the activity anyway, so no loss. Second, they may learn that it’s ok to lose or fail and that is part of life (become a good sport). Third, they may learn to deal with future losses or failures without the need for a meltdown. Lastly, they may try harder the next time to prevent their own bad feelings and actually excel through hard work!

Personally, I hated to watch my kids suffer or get their feelings hurt. But I also knew that if I guided them through those hurt feelings, they would better handle REAL life when it came along. It might do us well to remember that we are NOT raising children. We ARE raising future adults.

My wife and I raised our children with tons of interacting with human beings, not technology. They didn’t have cell phones until well after the “fad” began. And even then, it was only for the purpose of calling home because they attended specialty schools at a distance from home. Video games were often played “as a family”. We had a fair share of board games (no electricity needed). We played card games too. We talked and sang to the radio on car rides. We did things AS a family. We listened to THEIR music, as well as them listening to OURS. We watched movies TOGETHER. We also put OUR needs after THEIR needs. As an extreme introvert, I need a ton of “alone time”. But, if I needed alone time, and my kids needed supervision, guess what? my alone time came later. We allowed them to make their own decisions, BUT within certain guidelines. For example, you can choose your own clothes, BUT you cannot dress like a hooker. Or, on your birthday, you can choose whatever you want for dinner, but it must fall into the guidelines of a "proper" meal. Contrary to popular thought, it is actually OK to set limits on your kids.

On one occasion, my oldest daughter decided to test us out in a restaurant. She knew she was to sit in her seat and be respectful of the other folks around us. She was not allowed to run around the table because she was bored or if she finished first. But she chose to create a scene to get what she wanted, even BEFORE the food arrived. My wife promptly got up and hauled her out to the car. Not only did my daughter go hungry for that one meal, my wife sacrificed her own meal and went hungry, just to teach a valuable lesson. YES, we wasted some food. And YES, my wife suffered for my daughter's defiance. But, my other daughter looked at me as my oldest was exiting the restaurant and said, "I'm never going to do that!" Last week, almost 20 years after this incident, my youngest mentioned how she remembered this event and how it reminds her about what she learned that day. My oldest is now expecting her first child. She too remembers this incident and how HER child is going to learn to be respectful of others in the same situation. 

We do not claim to have been perfect parents. We made tons of mistakes, and I’m sure my kids could tell you stories, but our #1 job was that of a parent, not that of individuals. Yes, I’m sure we missed out on doing things we may have wanted to do because our kids took priority, but we believe that if you are going to bring children into the world, you are also to take responsibility for that decision. Our children grew up into very responsible adults. We still see them make bad decisions (or at least some we disagree with), but they also deal with the consequences, good or bad, without asking me to step in to protect them. They ask for advice, but never ask for us to “fix it” FOR them. They fix it on their own.

We are so fond of bashing Millennials for their attitudes, but we forget that WE are the parents of the Millennials who taught them to be what they became.

Before I finish out, I want to add, that while I see the same attitudes in many of the Millennials that we are always complaining about, I must also point out that many of them, IN SPITE of the upbringing we inflicted on them, have decided to go another way. They are taking on the responsibilities we neglected to teach them. They are becoming entrepreneurs and working hard for the futures we stole from them through our misguided parenting. I have great hope for them as they find their own way through this world. I for one, am willing to provide support for them as they learn what real life is about. I suggest we stop complaining about them, and start working to fix OUR mistakes that have lead them down this path. I recommend we stop “bashing” them and start reaching out to them. We too, must feel the consequences of our actions, the consequences of our parenting.

Follow the links below to a couple videos that set me on this path of thinking about “The problem with Millennials”.

The first video is the “complaint”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-fEc_c-zEU

The second video, is the “response” to the “complaint”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4IjTUxZORE