This was a great article on teaching correct behaviors to children. But I have to ask, “How should you ‘modify’ or ‘punish’ certain behaviors?” You can teach good behavior, but kids see other kids doing bad behavior and learn that too. I am always impressed with teaching "correct" behavior by example, but what do you do when the kids are practicing a "destructive" or "unacceptable" behavior?
When my children first learned to "lie" in order to hide something they did, I was taken completely off guard. The first couple of times, they actually got away with it, because I never saw it coming. They lied and I believed them because up to that point, they had always been truthful. However, when I actually caught them lying for the very first time, I had to figure out how to make them realize it was not a good practice to follow. So here's what my wife and I did:
We gave them a choice. I explained to them that what they just said to me was not the truth. "You said this, but I know that you did this. So I'm going to ask again. If you say this (the lie) I will smack your butt. If you say this (the truth) there is no punishment and we will fix whatever it was that you did." The first time each of my children were faced with this choice, they once again told the lie (different occasions, but the same reaction from both). So when they stuck to their lie, I smacked their butts. The next time my oldest told a lie, she immediately started crying and said, "I want to tell the truth!" So I allowed her to tell me again, and I hugged her and we fixed whatever it was she did.
However, my youngest was stubborn about it. At that time, we had a VCR (remember those?) and there was an issue with the children sticking things in the deck where the tape goes. So we told them, “Don’t do that.” It’s a very simple instruction and they understood. However, on one occasion, I got out of bed in the morning to find my youngest with her hand stuck in the deck. The door flap had trapped her hand. So I very calmly said to her, "did you put your hand in the VCR?" (Remember that her hand is actually stuck in it and she can’t get it out.) She looks me right in the eye and says, "No." I remind her that if she tells me the lie again, I will smack her butt, but if she tells the truth, I will not do that and we will fix the problem. So I ask again, "did you stick your hand in the VCR?" Again, she says, "No". So I smack her butt. I also leave her there with her hand in the VCR and turn to the other child and say, "let's go get some breakfast." Well, the younger one actually figured out how to get her hand out and proceeded to the kitchen for breakfast, but I don't mention it again.
She continued for 6 months sticking to her lies whenever she was faced with the choice of "lying and getting her butt smacked" vs. "telling the truth". But after 6 months of getting her butt smacked each and every time, she finally figured out that I was not going to ever let her get away with lying. So eventually she began choosing to tell the truth to avoid the punishment. She figured out that there was absolutely no gain in telling a lie, and she had my complete support in fixing whatever she had done to make it right. Both kids were also very quick to point out that they were “choosing” to tell the truth when they did, so the whole idea that telling the truth is a choice got through to them.
Many parents I know would fly off the handle to correct the problem of lying as soon as possible. I agree that lying is totally unacceptable. I have also been questioned as to why we don’t just punish them and let them figure out that lying is wrong. Why give them the choice of rethinking their options? They lied, so they deserve punishment. I agree, except for one thing, on the first offense, did they know that lying was wrong? I think most kids lie for the first time “accidentally”. They did something that is going to bring on punishment, so to avoid what they know is coming, they lie. It was nothing more than a defense mechanism, but it worked, so they learn to use it as a way to avoid other punishments. We don’t teach our kids NOT to lie until AFTER they do it for the first time. So the first time they do it, they actually did not know it was wrong. How can you punish a behavior that the child never knew he/she was not supposed to do? So giving options is a good way to let them make a choice HOW they want to proceed. Also, remember that my kids learned that they were making a conscious choice to tell the truth. Swift punishment for the offense will get them to make the choice to be truthful out of fear, not out of doing what is right. Both are learned responses, but which one teaches correct behavior out of a sense of doing right as opposed to doing what’s right for my own sake?
I see life as nothing but a series of choices. All choices have consequences, good or bad. So let’s ask ourselves a few questions. First of all, what is it that a child is lying about? A child lies when they have done something they are afraid to admit to. As a matter of fact, adults lie for the same reason. So, if they broke your prized knick-knack that you told them not to touch, they are reacting to the punishment you are going to hand out to the culprit who broke it. They are in complete fear of receiving the punishment for what they did. So to avoid that punishment, they lie as a protective reaction. In the case of breaking your knick-knack, they have two choices. They can lie or they can tell the truth. If they lie, and you believe the lie, they avoid the punishment for playing with it in the first place. If they tell the truth, do you hand out punishment for breaking it? Probably, so there is a reward for lying, if it works. If, on the other hand, they tell the truth, they are guaranteed to receive the punishment for the action of breaking it, so they are punished for telling the truth. Faced with these two choices, which would you choose? Personally, I would go with the lie. Again, if it works, I avoid all punishment. If it fails, I get punished. On the other hand, if I tell the truth, I am guaranteed punishment. Now, I’m a pretty smart guy, so I’m going to go with the option that gives me the best chance of avoiding punishment all together, which is lying.
When my children were given the option to tell the truth, that option included “my help in fixing whatever they did”. So their actual choices were, “tell the truth and avoid ALL punishment AND correct whatever happened” or “tell the lie and get punished for lying”. Of course, part of “getting my help in fixing whatever they did” came with a conversation on why whatever they did was wrong and how they should never do it again. I found my children were very open to listening to this whole conversation BECAUSE they did not receive the punishment. I think when we punish them for breaking the knick-knack AND punish them for lying, the fear of the whole situation closes them off to hearing any message we are trying to give them. If we want them to learn from their mistakes, we need them to be receptive to our teaching. My message to my children is that when you are truthful, you have a chance to make things right. I will always be there for you, helping you, but we need to be honest with one another. If they do the right thing, they have my full support. If they do something wrong, I will be there to help them fix it. Just to be clear, “fixing it” may include restitution to the wronged party, or suffering the consequences for their actions. Telling the truth is always a priority, along with taking responsibility for your actions.
Another thing about handing out punishment, I don’t believe in punishing my child WHILE I’m upset and not thinking clearly. If I punish my child out of anger, I actually consider that as a form of abuse. Of course I’m human so I get angry sometimes and want to smack them into next week, but I cannot teach my child correct behavior if I am only reacting to what they did. I need to be able to express my disappointment in them so they understand why they are being punished, why what they did was wrong, why I don’t want to punish them, but have to. Now, if they are playing around a hot stove, I react quickly. That is not the time to “explain” the dangers of a hot stove. First, they must be made safe, THEN explanation of why I reacted the way I did needs to be made. Reaction is necessary in many situations, but wrong behavior should be met with calm discipline. And of course, the discipline can be severe, depending on the behavior that needs to be corrected. I made it a point to say, “This is what you did, and this is what I need to do because of it.” In the case where they do something they don’t know is wrong, I don’t think that case should be met with punishment. If they break something that I never told them they couldn’t touch, how can that be met with punishment? I never said, “Don’t touch it” so how do they know it was wrong? If, on the other hand, I DID tell them not to touch it and they do it anyway, NOW I have a reason to hand down some discipline.
As I see it, I am not raising “children,” I am raising “future adults”. I can force them to tell the truth by giving out severe punishment for lying. I don’t have to give them the choice of telling the truth or receiving punishment. I can make punishment swift and effective and probably get a very obedient child. However, when they grow up, what lesson did they actually learn? They learned that if you lie and get away with it, there are no consequences. There are only consequences in getting caught. My children learned that telling the truth makes life better. They actually get the option to help those they wronged. If they lie and feel guilty about it later, they need to go back and admit that not only did they do something wrong, but they also lied to cover it up. Which is easier, telling the truth about what you did, or telling the truth about what you did AND that you lied on top of that? The first choice avoids the guilt and stress we put on ourselves. If we lie and don’t confess it because it is too hard to do, we may have the guilt and related stress for the rest of our lives.
Note - The following paragraphs were not part of my original post. I am adding them because the first few reactions to the original article had to do with spanking as a punishment being wrong. The readers totally missed the point of the methodology we used to discipline our kids because they got caught up in the form of punishment we chose. What I need to say is this, spanking in our household was extremely rare. The example I used above did carry spanking as the form of punishment used, but this form of punishment was used ONLY for a "severe" violation of acceptable behavior. To us, lying is one of these "severe" cases. The majority of times when discipline was necessary, it was in other forms, for example, a "timeout." For one child, isolation was very effective. When she misbehaved, we sent her to her room. With her personality, she "needed" to be with people. So for her, being alone was one of the worst things we could do. For the other child, being sent to her room was like heaven. She LOVED to be alone, so sending her to her room was not a punishment at all. So for her, we made her sit in a corner and watch the rest of us have fun. If necessary, we would get out a game and make her watch us have fun.
Second, I made the point of never passing out punishment while angry. In the case of spanking, if you strike the child in anger, you are doing nothing but teaching that reacting with violence is ok. That is a very bad example to teach. In the case I stated above, the spanking was an "option" that the children could choose. If they chose to lie to us, then the spanking would follow. They were told exactly that. They were given the choice of what they wanted to do, tell the truth and receive no punishment, or continue to lie and get the butt smacked. It was known ahead of time, so it was never an act of violence, it was what they chose to make happen. Also, it was a single whack to the butt, NOT a beating. It was firm and meaningful, but not abusive.
In my thinking, the form of punishment should be entirely designed for the child's personality. For me, as a child, I required only a stern look to be corrected. My brothers however, needed some physical correction. I believe spanking can be an excellent tool if used correctly and sparingly. If the child is spanked for every type of offense, its value as an effective tool is lost. In an overall, thought out plan of how to discipline your child, spanking can be quite handy. Too many parents do not take the time to figure out (ahead of time) how to discipline their children. If you figure out how you will handle the discipline before it's required, you can be far more effective in the long run. We all know that our children are going to need it, so think about it before you are forced into reacting to it. Proactive parenting is far superior to reactive parenting.
As I see it, I am not raising “children,” I am raising “future adults”. I can force them to tell the truth by giving out severe punishment for lying. I don’t have to give them the choice of telling the truth or receiving punishment. I can make punishment swift and effective and probably get a very obedient child. However, when they grow up, what lesson did they actually learn? They learned that if you lie and get away with it, there are no consequences. There are only consequences in getting caught. My children learned that telling the truth makes life better. They actually get the option to help those they wronged. If they lie and feel guilty about it later, they need to go back and admit that not only did they do something wrong, but they also lied to cover it up. Which is easier, telling the truth about what you did, or telling the truth about what you did AND that you lied on top of that? The first choice avoids the guilt and stress we put on ourselves. If we lie and don’t confess it because it is too hard to do, we may have the guilt and related stress for the rest of our lives.
Note - The following paragraphs were not part of my original post. I am adding them because the first few reactions to the original article had to do with spanking as a punishment being wrong. The readers totally missed the point of the methodology we used to discipline our kids because they got caught up in the form of punishment we chose. What I need to say is this, spanking in our household was extremely rare. The example I used above did carry spanking as the form of punishment used, but this form of punishment was used ONLY for a "severe" violation of acceptable behavior. To us, lying is one of these "severe" cases. The majority of times when discipline was necessary, it was in other forms, for example, a "timeout." For one child, isolation was very effective. When she misbehaved, we sent her to her room. With her personality, she "needed" to be with people. So for her, being alone was one of the worst things we could do. For the other child, being sent to her room was like heaven. She LOVED to be alone, so sending her to her room was not a punishment at all. So for her, we made her sit in a corner and watch the rest of us have fun. If necessary, we would get out a game and make her watch us have fun.
Second, I made the point of never passing out punishment while angry. In the case of spanking, if you strike the child in anger, you are doing nothing but teaching that reacting with violence is ok. That is a very bad example to teach. In the case I stated above, the spanking was an "option" that the children could choose. If they chose to lie to us, then the spanking would follow. They were told exactly that. They were given the choice of what they wanted to do, tell the truth and receive no punishment, or continue to lie and get the butt smacked. It was known ahead of time, so it was never an act of violence, it was what they chose to make happen. Also, it was a single whack to the butt, NOT a beating. It was firm and meaningful, but not abusive.
In my thinking, the form of punishment should be entirely designed for the child's personality. For me, as a child, I required only a stern look to be corrected. My brothers however, needed some physical correction. I believe spanking can be an excellent tool if used correctly and sparingly. If the child is spanked for every type of offense, its value as an effective tool is lost. In an overall, thought out plan of how to discipline your child, spanking can be quite handy. Too many parents do not take the time to figure out (ahead of time) how to discipline their children. If you figure out how you will handle the discipline before it's required, you can be far more effective in the long run. We all know that our children are going to need it, so think about it before you are forced into reacting to it. Proactive parenting is far superior to reactive parenting.
