I never thought I
would be writing an “advice” article on marriage. I think I am nowhere close to
being an expert in this area, but I do have experience that I am willing to
share.
I recently finished
reading an article entitled something like “How to fulfill you husband’s 5
basic needs”. It was an article written to wives about how to make their
husbands happy. The article was sort of “generic”, but the basic point was
“give yourself freely to your husband.” It was not an article about sex, though
that was one of the 5 basic needs. What disturbed me so much, was not the
article itself, I totally agreed with the whole premise, but the comments left
by so many women about having their own needs met. They took the idea of
“fulfilling his needs” as meaning “being his slave.” Some of the comments were
left by women whose photo pictured them kissing their husband (or boyfriend).
So I got to wondering, “why are you with this person?” Do you actually love
him, or are you using him to fulfill some need?
I should first
explain what I believe love is all about. When you love someone, you will
desire their happiness over your own. Love causes you to forget about yourself
and focus on the object of your love. So, if you love your spouse, you will do
whatever is best for him/her, no matter what the cost to you personally. The
ultimate love will even move you to die for them, if necessary. I have met
people who would die for their children, but not their spouse. So I again have
to wonder, “do you actually love your spouse?” Love should be unconditional. If
you will only love someone, provided you receive love in return, I believe you
do not actually love them. There is no motive in love. You love simply to love.
There is no expectation whatsoever of something in return.
For those in an
unhappy marriage, whose fault is it? Most, in my experience, blame their
spouse. I will hear things like, when we first got married he was so kind and
loving and now he thinks only of himself. I do not doubt that may have
happened. But I also wonder, “what changed to cause that?” Depending on your
perspective, you may hate what I am about to say, but just consider this, is it
possible that you stopped making your spouse your #1 priority? Did you stop
trying to make them happy? If they lost focus on your happiness, did you in
return change your focus on theirs? I’m not blaming anyone with these
questions. I am only seeking clarity. How we respond to a situation is entirely
up to us. So, if they are pulling back, or focusing on themselves, should your
response be to also pull back? Or should it be to confront it and work it out?
No one likes confrontation, but if you value your marriage, you will do what is
necessary.
Again, I say, “love
should be unconditional”. The moment you think, “what’s in it for me?” or “are
my needs being fulfilled?” you are no longer loving your spouse. The only
reason to fulfill your spouse’s needs is because you love them. What you get in
return should not be considered. If you look for some sort of return, you are
not loving them, you are simply being selfish. Now let me say, if your spouse
has made it clear that they do not love you and they expect a slave and not a
spouse, then maybe we’re in different territory… (or are we?)
When something
changes in a marriage, it is up to YOU to figure out what it is and deal with
it. If you take the attitude, “if my spouse won’t try to figure it out, or
doesn’t want to work at it, why should I?” again, you are taking a selfish
attitude. Sometimes, only one person sees that there is a problem. Don’t assume
that you both see it.
I believe that
marriage requires both people to work at making it great. If one starts
slacking, the other may have to work harder to hold it together. We all go
through stuff that makes us weak, or want to give up, or walk out, or whatever.
The trick is to love unconditionally. Look at what that word “unconditionally”
means. There are no conditions that will cause the love to stop flowing. So I
ask, “under what conditions will you stop loving someone?” If you have a
condition that could make you stop loving them, then you do not have
unconditional love for them. Most of us have unconditional love for our
children, but so many do not have it for their spouse. What’s wrong with that
picture? Why do we put conditions on our spouse, but not our children? Are they
not also human and prone to failing? Of course your spouse is going to screw up
and disappoint you. If you thought otherwise, you need to seek some serious
counseling. We know our children will fail us, but we’re ok with that. So why
not allow your spouse the courtesy of knowing they’re not perfect? Every spouse
is going to fail at some point. Get used to it! If THEY were perfect, why would
they be with YOU?
Those who know
me, know that I have spent a lifetime dealing with severe depression.
Depression causes us to focus on ourselves. It does not make us selfish, but it
somehow makes us focus on how miserable we feel. We can’t think about other
people when we’re depressed. So how should my wife respond when I cannot even
think about her during those times? I’ll tell you what she did. She loved me
and supported me and sought to fulfill my needs as best she could. She never
once told me that I was failing to meet her needs. She gave of herself fully to
aid in my healing. Her own needs went completely unfulfilled. It would have
been so easy for her to just walk away, but she remained completely selfless.
Many times during the worst of it, I seriously considered suicide. But because
of her love for me, I knew it was not the right answer to my problems. Her love
was the only thread I was able to hang on to, it kept me alive (literally). It
was the key to my healing. Today, I can freely give myself back to her. Yes,
she was miserable during the worst stages. I was mean and cranky and would not
communicate any sort of love for her. But she always returned love in response.
She had to pick up all the slack left by me, because I stopped caring about
everything. Her love for me was unconditional. If she required love in return,
she would have left me, because it just wasn’t forthcoming.
I can see so many
people saying that our case is the exception. Maybe it is. But if you don’t
live it out, how will you ever know? Our entire society teaches us to care
about ourselves FIRST. Love ourselves FIRST. While I believe we need to love
and care about ourselves, I think the idea of that being “first” is wrong. It should
be at the same time. When you marry someone, you become a part of a whole. What
you do for your spouse, you are also doing for yourself. So if you love your
spouse, you love yourself. When you put yourself ahead of your spouse, you are
no longer working for the good of the whole and are actually creating a
separation between the two of you.
So let me leave
you with a couple of thoughts, part of my philosophy if you will:
You cannot
receive love, unless you are willing to give it.
You cannot give
love, if you expect something in return.
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